Honestly, I have no clue how to begin. I have been struggling with fear. No clue how to say or express the thoughts in my mind. By nature and nurture, I am a writer. I am a storyteller. I possess a creative imagination. Yet, there is a fear that haunts me.
For the past year, I have opened my laptop hundreds of times to only close it because of the whispers in my mind that ask the question, “What do you have to say of substance, Nolita?”. Time after time I have just sat there. Sat there with so much to say but struggled to even place my fingers on the keyboard.
I sit daydreaming, daily. My mind paints beautiful stories. Stories that I want to share but for some reason, I can’t let them go. There’s been an internal struggle to share it with anyone but me. I often wonder if the enchanted realities my mind creates if the world will see them as I do.
Mental Roadblocks
How do I beat this creative block? And who has a creative block that lasts for years? Of course, it would be me! Well, I know how to trigger my creativity but who wants to purposefully make themselves depressed just to say they created something? Maybe that’s it! Have I developed this fear of writing and creating because I’ve only experienced my most creative moments during the lowest points in my life? That’s something to think about.
My creative thoughts are interrupted by my stressful thoughts about money, student loan debt, and wondering if I am doing enough to prepare for my future. It’s a struggle to focus on my personal goals and passion. Every other thought is, “…but Nolita you have over $135,000 in student loans! You don’t have time to do what you like when you need to get out there and get what your ass needs!” Once that thought enters my mind I fall into a rabbit hole of stressful thoughts attempting to figure out a way to make more money.
I hate that I think about money so much but what 30 something-year-old millennial doesn’t? I stress about it. Money is the root of all evil but the world makes something so evil a necessity. To find a way to make money from what I am passionate about is something I have yet to figure out. Instagram is littered with “hustlepreneurs” that only share the cliff note version of their success.
There are more days than I care to count where I find myself waking up tired. My mother and friends often remind me to be kinder to myself, to not be so hard on myself but even as I type these words I am in tears. I am in tears because I am walking ball of stress and there are days that I just want to shut the blinds, block out the sun, and disappear under the sheets.
My good friend Guildia tells me all of the time, “Write, Lita!” She and I have had in-depth conversations about my love for writing. She knows that storytelling is the one, if not the only, way that I know how to celebrate myself and my talents.
Over the last 4 years, I have stepped out on faith time after time to create a successful career as a professional. I have fine-tuned how to support, encourage, and celebrate the dreams of others but I struggle to do that same for myself. I have a horrible habit of putting others first and placing myself at the back of the line.
Doubt Is A Mo-Fo!
Self-doubt is a mutha! Sharing my hopes and dreams with others that may require me to need their help. When I need help from other’s I become consumed with doubt if people will be there for me.
Now I have talked myself out of doing what I want because I have drowned myself in the doubt. Doubt that I believe in myself enough to make things happen. Doubting that others will really hold me down. Doubt that people will even give a f*#^ about what I have to even say.
In 2020, I owe it to myself to celebrate myself more, share my talents, prioritize my goals. This will require me to love myself more. This will require me to trust God more. He gave me this gift and many more. It’s irresponsible for me to have these God-given talents and to not use them.
Am I saying I am jumping off a cliff head first to focus solely on writing? No! What to know why? I still have bills to pay, duh lol. This isn’t a foreword to a declaration of “new year, new me”. I will use my free time to be the first to benefit from my creative talents and capabilities.