Part 1 of 3

It’s the very first day of the new year – 2022! 2021 is a time of the past but I’ll always carry lessons I learned with me far into the future.

Recently I saw a tweet that asked the question: “How many dates have you gone on in 2021?” I got to thinking about the overall, let’s call it, “health and quality relationship” score for the year. Within seconds I gave 2021 a score of 3 out of 10.

You can see from the title image that I only needed one hand to count my number of dates in 2021. This blog is going to happen in a three-part series because my stories are too juicy for a quick watered-down read.

As I wrote in a tweet this morning, dating last year was shockingly underwhelming! Honey, I had men showing up to airports to pick up your favorite hood florist – *clears throat* – with no flowers, yuck! Men were out here telling me that I was “expensive” and having 30 min stand-offs at dinner to see who would pick up the check. Just know that it wasn’t the kid…mmkay! Negros are out here promising marriage, babies, and a future but only make phone calls from their car – sir, are you married or engaged? The math just isn’t mathing – ya feel me?

Last year I dated (3) men and the experiences were if nothing else, teachable moments. Who should I tell you about first?

Hmmm…let’s begin with who we will call “The Future Faker”.

“The Future Faker”

February 2021 “The Future Faker” enters my hemisphere. We were introduced via a close family member and we seemingly hit it off very well. On paper, he checked off most things on my list. He presented himself as kind, caring, thoughtful, and giving to anyone who needed anything that he could provide.

What began as a few Instagram DMs transitioned to talking on FaceTime every day. It was us falling asleep on facetime and waking up to one another on FaceTime too. It was us sharing our happiest and saddest moments. 

Naturally, all of that talking between two people who have chemistry, the question of “Ok so when will we meet?” is bound to surface. It was decided that I would travel there to see/meet him. The first time we saw eachother at the airport, as corny as it sounds, it seemed as if all of the noise around us went silent. We had a “moment”. “The Future Faker” felt it when it happened and it was a shared experience that we talked about being a first for us both. 

Every moment of that trip after that with him the reoccurring thought of “This negro is lazy!” aka being underwhelmed ran across my mind like an offspring of Flo Jo. He had no plan – absolutely no plan at all. Even now as I type these words, I am shaking my damn head at how much I had to “eat” throughout that 2-day trip. I share a lot but not everything.

He was originally given the name “The Scheduler” from a discussion we had about how frequently we would see one another. Long-distance dating, in general, can only work when both parties involved do so with intentions to make the effort that is required. I asked him, “How often do you plan to see me?” This negro allowed the words “Once a quarter should suffice.” to roll off of his tongue. Can you imagine? His response blew my wig back to the mountain tops of Mount Rushmore! 

The nerve. The unmitigated gall to think that I would agree and say “Sure, babe!” Where is a reliable auntie to suck her teeth when you need her, right? I pushed back on the matter not agreeing to a relationship that was scheduled by the quarter. Let me provide you supporting context as the foundation for the remainder of his story – bruh was in my ear with the “I don’t know where you came from but I’m glad you’re in my life. I love you!” Soon you’ll read why I now call him “The Future Faker”.

However, it wasn’t until we were preparing to drive me back to the airport that I noticed something in his garage that I made a mental note about. It was a box and in this box, I could see it was filled with keepsakes from his ex-wife. Yep – he was a divorcee! Granted the box alone didn’t shock me because he did disclose that he had recently gone through a divorce. He reassured me that what he felt for me was real, so hell, that’s how I proceeded.

Within less than a month or so, he came to visit me. In an attempt to lead by example, I planned a great weekend for him to experience my city. He had a grand old time while he was visiting me. I invited him to my 35th birthday festivities but I noticed that he “quietly” accepted the invite. What I mean by “quietly” is that while he did confirm that he would accompany me over time I began to notice there were no actions by him to turn my solo trip into a “baecation”. 

As the weeks passed I took note that he would tirelessly talk my ear off about driving to this state or that state for this person’s birthday, wedding, hell even if an annual nose-picking ceremony was happening he was jumping behind the wheel. You can learn a lot when you quiet down and simply listen. I noticed that he never mentioned securing a flight to Cancun or even asking for details about the trip etc.

My very close friend and brother, Mark, whenever I tell him about my dating experiences he will say “Mmmm…He doesn’t seem to have a plan, No!” When I sat back and thought about “The Future Faker” never had a plan, not even when I first came to meet him and see him in person. I learned that a man with no plan and a woman who has standards, have absolutely nothing worth writing home about. He chose to say one thing, while doing another – actually while doing nothing. He had no fear of losing me constantly making promises with my inevitable disappointment trailing not too far behind.

It is my theory is that I was used by him to a) prove to himself that he still had “it” and b) potentially make his ex-wife jealous – hence the posting me to his social media account. He was still very much in the thick of the “I love you”, “What will we name our kids?”, “What suit should I bring with me on my next trip to meet your parents?”, posting one another on our social media accounts, etc mode. According to TikTok dating coaches, this is classified as “future faking”.

What is Future Faking?

Future faking is a courtship strategy in which narcissists talk to you in elaborate detail about all the wonderful things that the two of you will do together in the future—the cute little restaurant you will absolutely love, how the two of you will explore the most romantic cities in the world, or even how many children the two of you will have and what to name them. All the while, they sound very enthusiastic and sincere.

What makes it future faking, and not just planning a future, is that none of this is likely to ever happen. Instead of being on the road to bliss, you are now on the road to disappointment. (source)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/202103/how-narcissists-use-future-faking-lure-partners

He cleverly used “future faking” to gain my trust. I believe men are dating women who lack experience of a man courting them properly. They will use immature tactics to attempt to distract me from focusing on their actions or the lack thereof. The men I have dated initiate in-depth conversations about marriage and children but emotionally morph into Casper The Ghost when I say, “I didn’t even bring marriage and kids up, you did. Why speak on doing something that you know you have absolutely no intentions of following through with?”

Back to the part about my birthday trip. In June he mentioned that he needed to get his passport “taken care of”. When Black folks say this it is code for: Damn I should have said no but I said yes and now I gotta find a way to get out of this. When he began shoveling his special recipe of bs with two extra scoops of malarky onto my plate I had a feeling in my stomach and I heard “He isn’t coming!”. I made the necessary adjustments to my reservation to ensure I wouldn’t be charged for two guests.

I’m not going to lie, I was very disappointed but the writing was on the wall from early on. I boarded my flight to Cancun alone. I knew that unless some grand gestures were made remotely on his part that when I returned from this trip, I would end it.

The morning of my birthday I woke up and did the most dramatic thing a woman turning 35 could do on her birthday – I went to the ocean, spoke to God, cried, and smiled. I needed to have that cry to let go of everything I was carrying on me. It wasn’t about him, this conversation with God was about me and for me! I walked away from the ocean feeling different – I walked away feeling empowered!

When I returned to Chicago, we had a conversation. I was over it and him. What he had to say was that I knew he was recently divorced and not looking for anything “serious”. Not looking for anything “serious” but initiating conversations about love, marriage, children, children’s names, transferring of government jobs, turning his home into an Air BnB to move to my city, just didn’t measure up “nothing serious” in my mind.

The conversation ended and I have never spoken to him again. No blocking calls, texts, or social media accounts – a simple decision to choose my peace over everything else.

Here is what I learned from “The Future Faker”:

My experience with this man taught me more about myself than anything I would care to have learned about him. It was a goal to improve my ability to speak up when I am not being courted properly. Mission accomplished – I did that! Courting standards must be lying prostrate on the ground because he hasn’t been the only man to think that being virtual pen pals via FaceTime equates to dating as an adult. Often as women when we desire to be treated a certain way that we will lose our voices trying to speak a message into ears that were never created to hear it.

There was no hollering, no crying. There was no begging for him to act right and to be honest he, like most men, knew how to court a woman – hence the future faking that he used all too well to create a mirage for me to look towards as we were walking in the direction of nothing. LOL. I’m a very literal person and the tough truth is that I wasn’t the woman he wanted to court and that’s fine.

I didn’t take this as if something was wrong with me – because there isn’t. He just wasn’t the one for me and I wasn’t the one for him.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of “35, Single, & Dating: Mr. PDA”