Life has a very funny way of saying, “Now your ass knew you already knew better!” This is the second story in my 3 part dating series about my dating life in 2021. Now to help you understand the back story and history I had with this particular male subject, stop for a few minutes and read a blog from many moons ago – “Shit, I Was A Tasha!”. Take a second, read it, and circle back. Trust that this tea won’t lose any of its steam while you’re gone.

Ok, so you’re back! You’re fully caught up on how Mr. FDA and I even became acquainted. It’s ironic that as this was unfolding in my real life, a similar storyline was being told on the hit HBO series, Insecure. Art imitates life and vice versa, right? Lol.

Fast forward to mid-summer 2021 – follow along closely. As I’m wading my way through the sea of bullshit Mr. Future Faker was doing Olympic backstrokes, enters who you know as Ashton from my previous blog but after my experience of him in 2021 he has been renamed “Mr. FDA”. Now for those who are unaware of what the acronym “FDA” means. I am sure many of you know what PDA (public displays of affection) are but I’ve recently experienced FDA. Here it is:

F.D.A.

Fake displays of affection.

Mr. FDA formally referred to as Ashton, and I reconnected somehow via Twitter. Something about the tweets he and I would retweet or write were within the same vein of interests. While I was in Mexico, he was the person I vented to about how disappointing Mr. Future Faker turned out to be. Again, it happens – a new cycle quietly begins between him and me. Our communication increased rather rapidly, similar to my previous encounter with him. After cutting him off in 2017, he became engaged, purchased a home, but was now no longer engaged.

As the conversation increases, I will admit that there was a familiar sense of comfort speaking with him. He was a reliable ear during a trying time in my past when I first moved back to my hometown. Now while the ending experience was weird af, I will always give credit where it is due. Mr. FDA was different from others because he was a conversationalist and very skilled at expressing his thoughts/feelings. I genuinely enjoyed our conversation.

Mind you, we had never actually met in person. Yes, we attended the same university but we never technically met one another. Enjoying conversations with him was one thing but I began to think, “I’m not doing round 2 of being forever facetime friends.” He would hint at never having visited my hometown but he eventually said, “I’m booking a flight.”

Ok, so boom – he books the flight but there was a nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. That little voice kept whispering, “Something was off then and it’s off now!” Despite feeling this, I put my best foot forward to plan a very nice “Welcome To Chicago!” trip with activities I thought he would enjoy. So there I was, walking around O’Hare to pick him up, and we saw one another in person for the first time. It was exciting and awkward all at the same time.

Overall his time during his visit was fairly enjoyable. The conversation and chemistry seemed genuine and I quickly experienced that he was a very affectionate man. Mr. FDA’s brand of affection didn’t read as the type of affection some men shell out to quickly usher you into the act of sex. He was big on displaying his affection publicly. I can be very affectionate when I feel “safe” to allow a man to see that side of me.

Is There A Fire Sale on Red Flags?

Despite my comfort, I promised myself I wouldn’t be selectively obtuse if I noticed that something was afoot. I did pick up on my first of 3 major red flags that I was sure to make note of. I know that everyone on the internet from Instagram to TikTok is talking about “red flags” until they are blue in the face but being aware of what clear red flags look like can save you a lot of time, emotional effort, and vulnerability. As a refresher, here is the definition:

In relationships, red flags are signs that the person probably can’t have a healthy relationship, and proceeding down the road together would be emotionally dangerous,” explains Dr. Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships. Note that red flags in a relationship might not be obvious.

While he was visiting, he would toggle between wanting to go out and experience my hometown. I noticed that when we discussed going out he’d quickly reference how he did not want to spend a lot of money. Honestly, I figured he was joking because in my mind I couldn’t wrap my brain around what adult man travels to another state for a date weekend thinking that his wallet will rest peacefully in his pocket the entire trip? Make it make sense.

Now I will keep it a buck with you – I did cover the bill at a spot I had set reservations for us to dine and enjoy live entertainment. When the bill came he was very affectionate and expressed his appreciation for me planning a romantic evening out. That was nice and all but I made a mental note of how comfortable he was sitting back and allowing me to pay for the bill.

Official Red Flag #1

Fast-forward to the next night. I had scheduled on our itinerary another dinner date before he would leave the next day. Of course with this being my city, it was up to me to decide on where we would go eat. I found a place, we got dressed, and we headed out for dinner.

The food was decent, ambiance was nice, but when the bill came was when the sky parted like the sea and the red flags began to rain down. The waiter brought the bill but didn’t position it closer to him any more than it was to me. We both became quieter and quieter. His eyes were roaming around. My eyes were roaming but so was my mind. I didn’t want to be paranoid, so I told myself to not assume that this negro was stalling to pay this bill. RED FLAG!!

I had been to the bathroom, played a few games on my phone and this bill still had not been paid. We sat there for so long that the staff was beginning to shut things down. Yes, that’s how long we sat there. Eventually, he paid the bill but with an obvious shift in his energy and an abrupt decrease in his level of affection. The ride home was 2 words short of us both being silent. When we got back to my place it was obvious that he was upset about having to pay the bill.

I am not one to assume nor do I try to read anyone’s mind, so I asked, “Is something wrong?”. He was short but responded with, “No. I’m fine.” The last time I checked I didn’t have a turban nor a crystal ball anywhere within the square footage of my apartment, so the likelihood of me even attempting to read a grown adults mind was not about to happen. You ever had to sleep next to someone who is trying to “sleep mad”? Lol. It’s fucking comical! This man laid in my bed and damn near should have placed a wall of pillows down the middle of the mattress. He slept so stiffly but I slept great. Shit, it’s my apartment that I am paying to enjoy so you better believe I slept very well.

Official Red Flag #2

The next red flag came in with the speed of a torpedo the very next morning. Remember I asked him the night prior if he was ok and he assured me that he was, right? Yeah, no – he woke up the following day being just as, if not drier than the day before.

My patience was tested because it would only be so much time given to him for the sulking to take place. I found it to be very rude at home comfortable he was behaving like this while in my home – potentially making me uncomfortable. Shortly after waking up, he did initiate a conversation.

He shared with me that he was indeed upset with me the night before and I learned that his having to unexpectedly pay the bill caused him to shut down. He felt that I was being insensitive having him to pay the bill after he stated that he didn’t want to spend a lot of money during his visit. While he was talking I asked myself, “Wait did this negro think that I was about to cash out on him this weekend?” and when he kept mentioning that he had overspent.

Once he finished speaking, I thanked him for being transparent with me. I assumed that we were about to engage in dialogue to use communication as a tool to resolve the issue. I shared with him that, while I heard his point of view, he must understand that it had been quite some time since I dated a man who would even allow me to touch a bill while out on a date. That’s not me being bougie or a gold digger, it simply hadn’t been my experience in recent years.

After sharing this I quickly learned that he had no interest in this being a dialogue between us. He quickly let me know that now that he had gotten what he needed to get off of his chest, that the conversation was over. Oh but not before mentioning, “I won’t be spending any more money while I am here!” Ummm…let the church say, “RED FLAG!”

👏🏾 WHO 👏🏾 ARE 👏🏾 YOU 👏🏾 TALKING 👏🏾 TO?

He attempted to shift the energy of our chemistry back to being super affectionate and I simply wasn’t feeling it. To be honest I know that he felt my resistance to shifting back to being super lovey-dovey because he truly rubbed me the wrong way telling me what will and wouldn’t be discussed in my home. It was his last day visiting and I would be a boldface liar if I didn’t say that I was counting the time down until I drove him to the airport.

As the hours passed until he left my mind was racing. I kept replaying how he interacted with me when I picked up a bill vs. when he picked up the bill. Mr. PDA has rightfully so earned the name Mr. FDA. His fake displays of affection were what I assume was his tactic to distract me from noticing that all he was bringing to the table was a smile and a strong back. This isn’t where we ended though.

Official Red Flag #3

Nearly a month later I visited him. It was soon after his birthday that I had flown in to visit him. Allow me to refresh your memory that this man and I had very in-depth, intimate conversations. He could raddle off my likes, dislikes, etc but somehow, someway he shows up to the airport empty-handed. Any human with a breath in their body that knows me, knows I love flowers. You learn a lot about a man and his approach to courting you when the ball is in his court. Yes, I want to enjoy you and our time together but I am paying full attention to how much effort and how well a man can execute without me having to hold his hand through the process.

He picks me up from the airport and I noticed when he gets out of the car that he didn’t have flowers in his hands. So I approach the car and look at the passenger seat and back seat, no flowers. In my head, I rolled my eyes because this red flag was the nail in the coffin that this man didn’t find value in executing acts of service with my happiness being a leading incentive to motivate him to do so. Tsk tsk tsk, RED FLAG!!

Official Red Flag #4

The remainder of the activities were fun but my sixth sense was talking something serious in my ear the entire weekend. Remember his birthday had just passed and in a recent conversation, he mentioned wanting to get a massage. Guess what my overachieving ass did? I ordered a massage table to be delivered to his home and requested that he make time for me to host a spa night as a birthday gift.

Yes, I know you’re screaming at this screen “Why in the f*$% did you do all of that?” Hell, I’m a woman who still gets lost in my moments of “blind optimism”. This blind optimism for us as women is treacherous territory to navigate. Yes, I am fully confident in me knowing how I can and want to show up in a relationship but allowing blind optimism to guide me will always read as if I am attempting to “prove” something.

It was clear that Mr. FDA’s affection flowed freely only while he was in a position to receive more than he would be required to give. Now take whatever your dominant hand is, raise it high into the air, and wave that, what? Wave our final RED FLAG high in the sky.

Not to mention the continuously referring to my apartment/neighborhood as “hood” and was vocal that he categorized me as “expensive”. This could count as red flags too but at this point, I was running out of pockets to tuck them into as I prepared to exit stage left.

Red Flags = Life Lessons

“Why did you go through with the spa night, Nolita?” The reason spa night still happened was that I’d already purchased the massage table. On my flight home, I began to access what this “situationship” was costing me. I started comparing my level of effort to what his level of effort was – oh child the gaps were as big as the Grand Canyon when it came to a few things. Overall, the bulk of his effort was him being consistent with communication. It was then and there that I said I would conduct a test. I decided that I would follow his lead and match his level of effort.

It didn’t take long to notice our conversations, whether they be text, phone calls, or face timing changed. Initially, the conversations became very surface level. It was giving “water cooler” talk and who can build a future with that? I know I’m not trying to and that led to us beginning to not speak at all for hours and days at a time.

We eventually had what I can now say was our “closure call”. This time I opened the door for us to speak about the drastic changes and he mentioned that he noticed the shift. What I learned from him saying that was yet again, he hadn’t made the effort and it was me stepping up to the plate. I, in no way, have a desire to be in the lead in a romantic relationship with any man.

We haven’t spoken since that conversation and this ending left me with a different feeling. I didn’t feel anything in my heart. It was alarming to me that the affection and the connection were thriving only as long as I carried more of the weight of that hefty load. I felt a sense of relief because I had spent less time and effort coming to a conclusion and not wasting my time using someone’s son to keep a seat warm.

And just as soon as the vacancy sign reappears on the seat in walks Mr. Wootdawoot. Subscribe to get the final installment in this 3 part blog series – 35, Single, & Dating: Mr. Wootdawoot.